Echt Optik just announced the availability of the Polygraph Filter for popular smartphones. With one snap you can separate fact from fiction, liars from fibbers, and fools from their money if you play your cards right.
Results of the “BS Detector” are shown immediately on a phone or tablet via Shōjiki, a FREE Echt app. Currently, the highly advanced algorithms function only with still images; however, Echt hinted at a version for video sometime in the future. That said, when the Echt Optik spokesperson was photographed through the Polygraph Filter, the result was a Level 2 Fib (Little white lie that can be ignored), so maybe yes, maybe no.
Mixed Reactions from Law Enforcement
Police departments nationwide are currently field testing a specially modified model that has been adapted for body-worn cameras and can capture evidentiary snapshots. Some officials see limited value because everyone lies during a traffic stop anyway. Others feared the apparatus could fall into the hands of civilians, a situation they described as “obstructing justice.”
State, City and County Prosecutors have expressed interest in forensic applications. On the flip side, a coalition of Defense Attorneys and Public Defenders have filed a class-action lawsuit to keep the new Polygraph Filter and its results out of the criminal justice system.
Banned in Vegas
Echt Optik Polygraph Filters are preemptively banned from all gambling establishments in NV, MI and IL, and require a Concealed Carry Permit in NY and NJ. Other state legislatures are expected to enact similar restrictions soon.
The International Conference of Money-Bilking TV Pastors has denounced the Echt Optik Polygraph Filter as being “a tool of evil” and has issued a strict proclamation that anyone even contemplating using the device in their presence will suffer eternal damnation and their hair will fall out.
A certain large, online retailer has already announced that the device will not be used to scan customer reviews, claiming such an act would insinuate dishonesty on the part of the reviewers. However, they are exploring ways to incorporate the technology into the self-checkout scanning stations at their retail stores.
We won’t even mention how the Echt Optik Polygraph Filter could upend Tinder and other online dating sites. And Weight Watchers meetings? Heavy chaos ahead.
Positive Feedback
Heralded by human resource professionals, prudent use of the Polygraph Filter has the potential to rewrite every job interview interaction. Already in office buildings everywhere, signs discreetly warn prospective employees, “Echt Optik Polygraph Filters In Use. Leave Hyperbole Outside.”
Parents around the world are jubilant about the possibilities. Said one parent, “It sounds even better than snooping your kiddo’s private Instagram account.” Another parent doubted the filter’s efficacy, explaining “…my little angel would never lie!”
The Echt Optik Polygraph Filter has not been tested on domestic animals, largely because of multiple canine and feline dialects, but the ASPCA said successful implementation could finally answer that age-old pet question, “Who’s a good boy?”
Research continues on foreign-language versions of the Shōjiki software, beginning with Japanese, because the software house that spawned the app, Honto Ltd., is located in the outskirts of Osaka in an abandoned Minolta Camera factory building. The company is reportedly facing challenges because Japan lacks a sufficient quantity of liars. They have also refrained from using AI because they just don’t trust it.
Features & Functions
Echt Optik Polygraph Filter Options
• Disable selfies so you can’t incriminate yourself.
• Automatically transmit results to local police department anonymously so you can rat out your friends and neighbors without them knowing you’re the snitch.
• Save image files in Blackmail Material album.
• Encrypt results so your family never finds out (in-app purchase required).
Five Levels of Prevarication Detection
Fib Level 1 – Honest and truthful but biased
Fib Level 2 – Little white lie that can be ignored
Fib Level 3 – Deceptive as a timeshare commercial
Fib Level 4 – Would make any politician proud
Fib Level 5 – Hide the children and dial 911
Price & Availability
With a $9,998 price tag, the Echt Optik Polygraph Filter is not likely to become a common household consumer item soon. Currently, availability is limited to select organizations for scientific testing, the US military, popular TikTok influencers, and other groups identified as highly gullible.
The Unfiltered Truth
It’s not April 1st, but then again, fools are so much fun, why should they be limited to just one celebratory day per year?
About Echt Optik
Echt Optik is a fictitious name for a world-class manufacturer of glass filters for photographic, scientific and industrial applications. Honto Ltd. and their app, Shōjiki, are phony too. They don’t exist, but if they did they’d probably have products like the ones we describe here. Rumors that this made-up partnership is working on an imaginary X-ray filter abound, but are thus far unsubstantiated.
Not one word of this story is true. Of course, you didn’t need an Echt Optik Polygraph Filter to see that I was lying, did you?
—Jon Sienkiewicz
