Flat Earther Flips & Goes Over The Edge & Other News We Know You Missed Because We Made It All Up
Even if you subscribe to every big network newsletter and keep your TV tuned to a news station 24/7, you miss some important lies. We can’t let that happen. So occasionally we manufacture a few interesting facts and deliver them to you as if they really happened. Hell, that’s more than most of the real news outlets do. I mean, a lot of the dreck we report is at least plausible.
Sorry Kitty, YouTube’s Been Hacked
The identity of more than ten billion kittens, puppies and cute raccoons was compromised, according to sources who know, when a North Korean hacking team penetrated YouTube’s defenses disguised as a polite customer live streaming from a Chick-fil-A drive through on a Sunday afternoon. Stolen information includes adorable nicknames and rabies vaccination tag numbers, if any. As of press time, no group has claimed responsibility, although involvement by rival Vimeo has been heavily rumored.
Solution! Protect your pet’s ID today by ordering our Invisibility Mask, also known as duct tape. Easy to apply, and only $5.99 at amazon.not. Not guaranteed to work on gorillas, despite the name. For especially noisy terriers, two layers may be required.
Man Saves Lives by Texting While Driving
With reprehensible disrespect for the safety of others, a Road Jerk became a hero. Because his attention was diverted from driving for a full 33 seconds while texting in the passing lane on the New York State Thruway at over 80 miles per hour, a Rockland County man caused a 6 car pileup which serendipitously prevented hundreds of vehicles from plunging through a gaping hole in the Governor Mario M. Cuomo Bridge last Friday. Miraculously, no one was injured in the mass collision; however, the driver was charged additional minutes against his cellular data plan until help arrived.
The crater in the bridge appeared at the site of an earlier road rage incident involving a beep-beep road runner and a wily coyote, both of whose names are withheld out of copyright considerations. A 400 lbs Acme anvil was later recovered at the scene.
Maria Sharapova’s Band Sweeps CMA Awards, Including Album of the Year
In secret ballot voting that was tainted by suspicion of tampering and possible interference from foreign government agents, the psychedelic waltz band fronted by the lovely Maria Sharapova, Myshka and the Kotyonok*, crept away with top honors at the 2025 Country Music Awards held in Nashville. Tennessee legislature is allegedly considering changing the name of the state capital to Natashaville in honor of the achievement.
* For you non-Russian speakers, Myshka and the Kotyonok means “The Mouse and the Cat.” Or are we prevaricating again?
Apple Introduces Fleet of Autonomous Tricycles
Soon speeding into preschools and kindergartens across the country, Apple today announced the iGoBoom, a self-driving three-wheeled vehicle for children ages 3 through 7. The self-guidance mechanism relies on dangerous radioactive transmitters embedded in the asphalt surface, and that could be a barrier to success, Apple admitted. “Although it may take decades for the infrastructure of inner city playgrounds to catch up with modern technology,” said an anonymous Apple spokesperson, “the parents of toddlers everywhere can breathe easier knowing that the Recess of the future will be safer than ever—with minimal exposure to Plutonium-239.”
Rival Microsoft is said to be working on a similar device, an AI-guided tricycle that is slower, uglier, requires four square wheels and countless time-consuming updates (although the interface looks suspiciously similar to an iMac). Tesla previously abandoned the project based on input from founder Elon Musk’s 67 school-aged children (allegedly).
Camera/Film Consortium Intros the Cool & Really Advanced Photo System
Several major camera and film manufacturers today announced unified support for the Cool & Really Advanced Photo System (CRAP), a collaborative endeavor that clearly looks like a collaborative endeavor.
Based on the 1996 fiasco presumptively labeled the Advanced Photo System, the motivation behind the development of CRAP is the preservation of the digital camera market in the face of stiff competition from sophisticated smartphones. Twenty-nine years ago, the original APS was created to protect the compact 35mm film camera market from potential erosion caused by the then fledgling digital camera. How did that work out?
Said one former senior executive with now-defunct Minolta, looking back at their miscarried Vectis lineup of APS cameras, “Vectis wrecked us.”
Proving that history can indeed repeat itself, even when the actors should know better, a spokesperson for the 2026 consortium described this new CRAP as “the bridge to the future of imaging technology.” The system is guaranteed to cost more, do less and cause borderline financial devastation for all involved, just like APS. Not to mention leaving customers with no film, no processing outlets for the film they couldn’t find, and ultimately no hope.
If you’re too young to remember the Advanced Photo System, count your blessings and Google it. Some of us are still looking for somewhere to get our film processed. Beyond that we hope the new CRAP comes out okay.
California Woman Wins World Photographer Award for Saucy Selfie
A former Circle-K cashier from Lodi, CA, online nickname HoneyBuns, has been granted a World Photographer Award in the Best Booty Photography category for a selfie she shot while preparing for a date she’d negotiated on Tinder. The all-male panel of judges cited the raw authenticity, superlative composition and unique undergarment design as the primary determining characteristics. And also the lighting was pretty good.
Historical Presidential Texts Examined
Going way, way back, a team of cyberarcheologists has discovered a cache of early texts that suggest that random presidential texting began much earlier than previously believed. One of the oldest texts has been forensically attributed to General George Washington who on Christmas Day, 1776, texted, “Can’t get an Uber. You guys go ahead to Trenton and I’ll come over later with my dinghy. Save a cold Pabst Blue Ribbon beer for me.” #RedCoatsGoHome #PBR #George4President
New Cell Phone Judged Better than Real Camera
In an omnibus survey conducted by the world renowned Noah Deah Group, nearly four out of ten people who had never taken a serious photograph in their life rated the images produced by a popular smartphone to be significantly better than similar images captured by a $6000 digital camera.
The same research group concluded that the experience of watching a movie at home on a 20-inch CRT (non-LCD) television is as rich and satisfying as seeing the same movie in a theater if you factor out the popcorn and Milk Duds and order Domino’s Pizza delivery at the commercial break.
Breaking News From Around The World
Photographer tries on camouflage clothes and is never seen again
Instagram and Candygram unite to manufacture edible messaging platform
Apple introduces iPoo children’s potty training app
Flat Earther flips and goes over the edge
North Korea defends Kim Jong Un’s claim he invented the selfie
KFC confesses that for years they’ve been using only 10 secret herbs and spices
ASPCA sues over pets’ copyright ownership of viral cat & dog videos
Police now required to obtain permission before videotaping suspects
Rock-and-roller kicked in face by photographer
Hell freezes over when YouTube reviewer posts accurate appraisal of camera
Charlie Brown says, “I’m tired of working for Peanuts!” after Snoopy gets bonus pay
Walmart slashes all 4K TVs to 27.88K (limited time offer)
Empty Kodachrome film cans spotted on NASA video of Saturn, claims Arizona man
Political Party gerrymanders Mars and Venus into their voting district
Man upset finding only normal-size cameras in store that advertised “Huge Camera Sale”
Kodak and Tesla codevelop self-driving camera #koslaw
Waitress at NJ diner smiles at customer and says, “Good morning, sir”
Insane criminal released after doctor tells jury the problem was all in his head
A camera bag is introduced in Asia that is not a knockoff of a Peak Design product
Man shocked to learn he must turn off circuit breaker before replacing light switch
American family subscribes to a physical, printed newspaper
Manager of calendar factory fired for taking one day off
London woman finds thrush in underwear; later learns it’s just a thong bird
Ross Ice Shelf in the Arctic rebuilt to former volume using plastic particles
ICE agents gather at LA taco stand to celebrate owner’s green card renewal
Italy places 150% tariff on Ragu, Rao and Prego pasta sauces
SUV in New York state stops for school bus with flashers on, all children safe
Social media influencer pays for own meal at café in Colorado
Only buy Made-in-America flashlights, not ones labeled “Built In Battery,” wherever in hell that is
Lady returns burner phone because it kept going out, and that her cold
ChatGPT turns down offer to host SNL because someone prompted them
Social media influencer leaves 25% tip and declines free vanilla pudding
Jury acquits man who logically thought Forever Stamps could be used more than once
USPS changes name of Forever Stamps to “Once & Done Stickers”
Cannabis dispensary in Maryland offers new aroma: Irish Spring Deodorant Soap
Teens in Bethesda, MD held at DUI checkpoint because car smelled like Irish Spring Deodorant Soap
Multiple political candidates tell the truth – snow cones now available in hell
Santa Claus resigns to protest mass elf deportation
Northwest Airline jumbo jet found to have two clean, working lavatories
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