Discovery of 3-Million Year Old Camera Bag Could Rewrite History: Famous Paleo Something or Other
Things were tough for photographers during the Stone Age. No camera bags; no photo backpacks, either. Some citizens were so starved for visual stimulation that they resorted to painting stick figures on the walls inside their caves, or building granite astronomical clocks. Others just bided their time, waiting to evolve. [This story originally appeared in 2018 and has been updated to purge the fibs. Mostly. — Ed. ]
In prehistoric times, cave people carried their cameras in animal skins—which got them into tons of trouble with PETA, truth be told. Australopithecus afarensis, who typically shot a lot of video, mainly used mastodon trunks to tote the 8mm film cassettes (this was before Super 8).
By most accounts, the gadget bag industry was born shortly after the appearance of Pithecanthropus. As humankind evolved they recognized the need for a better way to transport and protect delicate photo equipment. This was a primary driver of brain development, and eliminated the need for prehensile feet from our lineage. Some say this is why we lost our tails—we no longer needed them to carry zoom lenses.
Before long, Homo erectus discovered fire and invented the tool that has been a boon to mankind the world over. I’m referring to the YKK self-healing zipper, without which we’d have to button our gadget bags shut.
Neanderthals (Homo neanderthalensis) quite frankly did not contribute much to the party. Their brains were indeed large enough—about the same as contemporaneous humanoids—but anthropologists believe that their vision was inferior, and therefore the selective breeding instinct of finding an attractive mate was severely impaired. So much so, in fact, that they had a reputation for sharing their cave with anyone who could strike two flints together. Could explain the alleged hookups with naughty Denisovan damsels, too.
Telephoto lenses became popular around 1,000,000 years ago. While the ability to photograph saber-toothed tigers from a distance made photography safer, teles spawned the necessity for larger camera bags. Some blame Tamron; others blame Sigma. Sadly, Kodachrome 25 hadn’t been invented yet, so we do not know exactly what color the big cats were; however, we can assume they were digital urban camo because they were so hard to see.
Julius Caesar created the first Photographer’s Vest. It was called the toga which is Latin for toga. It was made of Kevlar and 100% bulletproof. Alas, it was not knife-proof. It wasn’t even knife-resistant, as Brutus later demonstrated.
The Vikings are generally given credit for inventing the photo backpack, which they called the Plünder Sak. Early models had special straps that attached to the horns on their helmets. Later they developed a compact sling bag that could be worn comfortably whilst yielding a battle axe or rowing. [He’s lying. Very few Vikings had horns. — Ed. ]
Around 1455, Johann Gutenberg perfected the printing press with moveable type and the Gadget Bag Owner’s Manual was introduced into the marketplace. The fad quickly faded because few people could read, and none bothered to read OMs. Some things never change. Gutenberg transitioned his business into the manufacture of lens cleaning tissue and printing breakfast cereal boxes, and thereby became an enduring success story.
By 1615, William Shakespeare had launched a line of stylish camera bags on Elizabethan Kickstarter. There were several models, including the Hamlet, the Othello and a weather-resistant model called The Tempest. The Shake Man was considered a pioneer because he also produced a bag targeted toward the female audience. Called the Lady Macbeth, it was stain resistant. Out, damned spot! Out, I say!
Billy’s bag line remained popular but controversial for three centuries because many scholars believed the bags had surreptitiously been designed by Sir Francis Bacon, and others contested that it was Christopher Marlowe. Oh well; what’s in a name?
When the New World was discovered, explorers found immense fields of tomatoes and hundreds of jars of marinara sauce. Which makes me wonder how Italy gets away with taking credit for spaghetti and pizza? Were there tomato-less versions up until then?
And don’t get me started on the Brits’ claim to Fish and Chips; the humble potato was first cultivated in Peru. Sorry UK. And while we’re on it, why do you call potato chips “crisps”? Huh? “Take the lift down to the tube while noshing on crisps.” Speak English, for crying out loud, like us ‘Mericans.
Anyway, the Americas were colonized at some point, and the hunt for wild nauga ensued. Within months, nauga hide became the de rigueur of camera bag makers across Europe. Some were repurposed into padded footstools, precipitating the emergence of the Ottoman Empire.
That’s about all the history I know, except for the parts I left out.
Camera bags and photo backpacks remain super popular despite the prevalence of tiny smartphones that scarcely even need a pocket to hide in. And everything in this story is the absolute truth, I promise.
—Jon Sienkiewicz
