Do You Have The Right Lens? I Don’t, Not Yet
It snowed yesterday where I live, so it’s time for a sleighride song. This ditty is sung to the tune of Jingle Bells and is called “Wannabe’s Lament.” It’s a cheerful tune about the photographer I could have been, if only I’d had the right equipment.
Play it in your head. Read / sing it to the tune of Jingle Bells.
I Snapchat all the time.
On Instagram I star.
I want to turn professional
I know I can go far!
They say I have “the eye.”
I do everything I should.
I’d be a great photographer
But my lens is just no good.
Chorus
Oh, I don’t know
Where to go
To buy some new glass.
This old lens is for amateurs
It’s a pain in the (woops!).
I don’t know
Where to go
To buy some new glass.
Maybe Santa Claus
Will bring a lens that’s long and fast.
Second Verse
I know I could turn pro.
Earn enough to pay the rent.
But I don’t have the dough
To buy the equipment.
With talent I am flush.
I really have the knack.
I took a mail order course
But this old lens holds me back.
Chorus (chorus changes, so don’t skim over it)
Oh, I don’t know
Where to go
To buy some new glass.
This old lens is for amateurs
It’s a pain in the (woops!)
I don’t know
Where to go
Can’t you see I’m scared?
“Decisive moments” pass by me
While I’m optically impaired.
Third Verse
Surfing on the ‘net
Looking for a lens.
Found a zoom but it costs more
Than a Mercedes Benz.
A macro would be nice.
Or maybe a fast prime.
I’d buy them both but for the fact
That I don’t have a dime.
Chorus
Oh, I don’t know
Where to go
To buy some new glass.
This old lens is for amateurs
It’s a pain in the (woops!).
I don’t know
Where to go
All my money’s gone.
But I really need the lens
That got 5 Stars on Amazon.
Fourth Verse
I know all about
f-stops and stuff like that.
I got a lot of practice
Taking pictures of my cat.
I guess I could buy used.
You know what they say.
You can find some bargains if
You spend time on Fleabay.
Chorus
Oh, I don’t know
Where to go
To buy some new glass.
This old lens is for amateurs
It’s a pain in the (woops!).
I don’t know
Where to go.
But I’ll be in a fix
If I keep taking pictures with
A worn out iPhone 6.
Fifth Verse
I’ll get some better gear.
I’ll buy a better lens.
I’ll show that I’m professional
To all my Facebook friends.
A zoom lens would be nice.
Fisheye’s are cool, too.
Any lens that’s not made from
A Coke bottle will do.
Chorus
Oh, I don’t know
Where to go
Searching far and near.
I’d be a great photographer
But I can’t afford the gear.
I don’t know
Where to go
To raise cash. Please tell me:
Do you think I could set up an
Account on GoFundMe?
© Jon Sienkiewicz, who would have been a much better writer if only he’d had a better typewriter instead of being so damn handsome.
—Jon Sienkiewicz
