Some Supine Snoozers Suffer Shorter Shutter Speeds This Habit Can Lead to Premature Exposure & Worse

Research has uncovered bad news for photographers who snooze on their back. But don’t let that give you nightmares. Exclusively for Shutterbug, eminent psychotherapist Dr. Justin Nuff analyzes popular sleep positions and suggests remedies so you can enjoy happy histograms once again.

Quack, quack, Shutterbug has your back—even when you’re sleeping on it.

Supine Snoozers (Back Sleepers)
According to Dr. Nuff, people who sleep on their backsides tend to overuse the Program Exposure Mode. They predominantly trust the camera to make good decisions on their behalf. While this approach is often satisfactory, overall it’s as dicey as sampling leftovers from my refrigerator. Good luck with that.

Sadly, SMOs (Smartphone Only) shooters often suffer from this malady regardless how they sleep.

In tricky lighting, too much P (Program Mode) can cause disappointing Premature Exposure, blocked shadows and blown highlights. In lay terms, crappy photos.

Try This Remedy From Dr. Nuff
Stop tossing and turning, and try something new. Spend an evening in Aperture Priority and then the next night in Shutter Priority. When you’re feeling especially frisky, give Manual a shot.

Long-Term Prognosis
The outlook is excellent! Approximately 98.733562116% of all test subjects recovered by learning to rotate their Mode Dial and thereby prevent P from taking over. (Note that your results may differ if you’re over 55, regularly eat asparagus or drive a Volvo.)

In Knots All Night
Those who fitfully sleep tied up in an impenetrable knot have been revealed to frequently use the Manual Exposure -1 Stop exposure setting to convince the world that they’re a rebel. Secretly, they’re afraid to have their innermost emotions—or anything else—laid bare. They commonly use pillows stuffed with chicken feathers recycled from KFC, extra crispy, but brag about it being goose down.

To project an aura of rugged individualism, they use 1A Skylight filters to protect their lenses instead of UVs like everyone else. Sometimes, in reckless passion, they even shoot without a protective filter!

Truth be told, they’re humdrum through and through. In a world of digital electronic billboards they are a bucket of poster glue. A tungsten bulb in a sea of LEDs. A button where there should be a zipper.

Try This Remedy From Dr. Nuff
If your sleep profile resembles a convulsive  pretzel, you probably have a very, very tight histogram. We looked at your body of work and, frankly speaking, most your images are a little flat and a bit underexposed. Dr. Nuff’s advice is to relax! Open your diaphragm a tad, let some sunlight in. Are you familiar with the Auto Levels function in Photoshop? Well, you shouldn’t need to use it.

Long-Term Prognosis
You have limited capacity for rehabilitation because you abjure advice from others and are totally devoid of common sense. For example, you learned that “bounce flash” is just a  figure of speech when you hurled your $900 Profoto A10 electronic flash unit to the pavement in expectation of a rebound.

You’re the kind who later in life discovers that egg whites lighten liver spots (lentigo) and begins raising chickens in their spare bathroom. That’s why there’s 60 Minutes film crew pulling in your driveway at this very moment. Yes, we gave them your address.

Belly Sleepers
Studies indicate that photographers who sleep prone and prostrate lock into Aperture Priority to proclaim they’re ready to capture anything that moves. This can be disastrous if the chosen f/stop is too small. Or too large, for that matter.

Try This Remedy From Dr. Nuff
Although you long to be as popular as a Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer ballcap at a NASCAR race, it’s time to face the facts, pilgrim, not your pillow. Your bellybutton does not need protection; it’s your prefrontal cortex that’s vulnerable. Flip over and see what you’ve been missing.

Also, get a new monitor; no one edits YouTube reels on a CRT these days. And those people you think are following you? Here’s 411, son: they are following you.

Long-Term Prognosis
Prospects for total recovery are excellent, but you must be willing to turn things around 180 degrees.

Dr. Nuff offers affordable online resources that can help you make an about-face. The product of intense collaboration with former PhD candidate Shuda Sed, the 12-volume Nuff-Sed Collection retails for $199 (per volume) and includes a bonus chapter titled, “Aluminum storm door installation for fun and profit.” Shipping not included.

Pillow Punisher
If you squeeze the hell out of your pillow every night (i.e., the Auto Everything posture) you’re desperately trying to unleash the fountain of creative energy (or whatever that noise is) that gurgles within you. Either that or you’re terribly lonely, insecure or really dig the smell of shredded foam rubber.

Try This Remedy From Dr. Nuff
Stop tucking your pillow into a ball and get back to the roots of photography. Go to UsedPhotoPro.com right now and order a secondhand camera that uses 35mm film. A Canon FTb QL will do nicely, or maybe a cool, clean Minolta SR-T 101. Or even a Pentax Spotmatic, we don’t care. Anything manufactured before the year you were born.

Next, buy some film, preferably Ilford (or Leica MONOPAN if you can find it). Turn your kitchen into a darkroom. Don’t paint the walls black though; you don’t have that much commitment. Develop film and make prints until your fingernails turn dark from the dissolved silver. Be sure to store the Dektol in a cool, dark place, like your subconscious, and keep the Microdol-x away from all kiddos and the doggos that you want to keep.

Long-Term Prognosis
Even without therapy, you’ll recover if you do one thing. Okay, two things. Dump the pillow and buy a maniacal pit bull to share your bed. You won’t be a-squeezin’ no nasty pit bull all night, that’s for damn sure. Sometimes recuperation is a just a toothy snarl away.

Conclusion
We learned a lot of neat stuff from Dr. Nuff, and especially enjoyed meeting his twin daughters Morthana and Nevera. They’re as opposite as can be, and really keep his lab humming.

Dr. Nuff’s assistant, Ida Clair, is a real doll. No, we mean a REAL doll. The kind that’s illegal to export to Japan.

The bottom line, there’s hope for all photographers, no matter how they sleep. Help is available. In the meantime, try some different settings and maybe change the bed linens more often.

We didn’t get to cover teeth grinding, night terrors, sleep paralysis, or nightmares about losing a lens cap. In future reports we interview the legendary mystic charlatan Guru Doncha Noh. Stay tuned for more obfuscation.

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Disclaimer
These statements have not been reviewed or evaluated by the FDA, CIA, PTA or the AAA Motor Club, and are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disorders except possibly torpor, languor and ennui.

About Dr. Justin Nuff (Mostly True, We Think)
A world renowned psychotherapist, Dr. Justin Nuff and his faithful assistant Ida Clair (also a psycho) have been studying the relationship between sleep habits and photographic success stories for more than three weeks. Compendiums of their findings are possibly available online somewhere—we can’t find it, but maybe you can.

For a personal sleep analysis, send a greasy paper bag full of nonsequential $5 bills and a description of your slumber habits (video preferred) to Justin Nuff – Ida Clair, Penthouse Suite, Hotel Danube, 23 Spánok Ulica, Bratislava, Slovakia, BS4U-001. May be tax deductible in some jurisdictions, but you’re on your own if you try it. Allow 12 to 16 weeks for fulfillment. Void where prohibited by law, taxed or in any country that has an extradition treaty with Slovakia.

—Jon Sienkiewicz